everything's too bright

i feel like shit. migraines suck, and yet i et them far too often. just looking at my computer screen manke me wince. and the banging is relentless, and i'm completely grossly naeceous. it even makes me unable to spell. and im so fucking exhausted and just want to keel over and collapse for a few days, but i just have so much fucking shit to do, it almost makes me want to say fuck as often as american history x wants to, except i'll whisper it to myself quietly in the corner so as not to disturb my delicate head, and they will scream it as loud as possible at eachother. i want to cry. and then puke. and finally sleep and sleep and sleep. why is it like this? how did it get so thick so fast? why does my body hate me? why do i always have to fucking plan fucking EVERYTHING so that i feel giuilty every moment i leave conditioning, but i have to pull together an amnesty meeting in two seconds, and then babysit yelling kids for four hours while my migraine begins to build and then sit on the fucking Q for half my life and practice far too little so that then i feel guilty and pathetic too and im barely even doing any of the work for applying to college and it eats at me everyday but i always deal with other peoples problems cuz im too fucking fucked up to really say anything my self. i bitch because its normal, but fuck if i let anyone see me cry or break down or loose control, especially me. im the worst at witnessing my own inadequecy. sometimes i think im asking too much of myself - but god know i have nothing if not my own high fucking standards. and i cant help it but not be able to measure up to my dream self but cant help bu want to be that person, and my procrastination is a drug and i feel sick afterwards when i get nothing done because look how it kills me now. i feel too much like crap to even move beyond typing. i wish athena would just bust outta my skull already so that the hammering could go away. oh, to curl up under the comforter and pretend it will all go away if i could just drift into blissful sleep. but onwards (and upwards, i suppose) to better things, and economics and then maybe even some canterbury.

Writing on envelopes

i've taken to writing random things down on random surfaces. like envelopes. and the back left over from my post-its (or just postits, which then get stuch anywhere), or the starbucks hot coffee holder thingee. or the new york times. i mean, i think it would seriously kill me too just actually carry around some paper. but i'm vaguely proud of myself - on account of my horrible track record of actually writing in my journal, i've started just pasting in random things that interest me instead, plus the objects i've written all over. i'd like to quote on of my favorties here: "i'll make sure she always carries a pen so she can take down evidence. If she has no paper, I'll teach her to write everything down on her tongue, write it on her thighs" and another, one i'd like to follow some day: "I'll teach her to write her manifestos on cocktail napkins." the journal thing still doesn't look that great, but hey, i'm no artist. i leave that to the pros. i just pretend i'm creative and sit in the corner with my scissors and glue and scraps of my life, and scribble with markers and say 'voila!' here is what matters, what i think in the moment, what makes me stop for just a moment and think or reconsider or feel thta boiling anger that starts in your stomach and rises in your throat until you're ready to vomit bile because this is not how it should be. and have i mentioned that november 15th is somehow far to close for comfort? no, that is not panic. i'll fix it. it always turns out okay. i DID make the right decision, now i just need to believe it. to end on a cheery note: i'm letting my hermione loose tonight, it's time for some hard core studying, which believe it or not actually fells good, like eating vegetables after a diet of tinkies, which maybe not everyone would understand anyway, but chemical food makes me feel gross, as appetizing as it seems at the time and that's procrastination too: seems good and fun, but after gorging myself on useless junk o good paper seems like heaven, as hard as it is to drag myself into doing it. whatever, lifes crazy. i don't pretend to understand. on to the latest paper(s)!!!

because the procrastination never stops.

seriously, it never ends - how i ever get anything done is highly questionable. but it's all mad reclusive, feel like i havent seen my friends in ages, possibly because i havent, which means gymnastics is officially setting in. but there is so much to be done, and scholarships that need to be written ,and colleges that need applying because my indecisiveness atleast has been beaten down and i'm on a straight path for the moment, pray it's not a dead end. and plucking my little strings brings such pleasure, but time is scarce, and i feel like i always say that, but it's my own fault. because it is. atleast my three hours of the iliad were snuck in somewhere. jesus, there's too much to be done, i gotta end this right now. DIE, PRIAM, DIE! okay, it's definately bad when i start naming my bad habits. but still, DIE.

Because all is not lost.

Because America's Next Top Model is for strong women, bitches! Kim, Nik, my emerging favorites. and previews: Kim and Sarah's relationship heats up. Yum. That and the photo shoots are freakin AMAZING. And a girl is beatiful no matter how she looks, she just has to be confident and look - say it with me now! - FIERCE. There's been so much going on lately (yes, outside of that little box too). My thighs are leaden blocks that are somehow set aflame, but i can now do an effortless aerial, so it must all be worth it. Babysitting is canceled because the children are sick, so consequently my income is down, and that's called supply and demand. But ncome next week or tomorrow I will be called uopn again at whatever you can give me, thank you, and that's called elasticity. see? who needs to read the textbook when you can half pay attention in class just drawing faceless figures and spacing out, and STILL understand it all? God, micro is so irritating, if only because my ADD keeps me from focusing when it's so simple. And have i mentioned that grey's anatomy is my new lover on the screen? it is. forget jordans crossing, this is far superior. AND it rocks out the girl power. now i just have to panic because i have to do the amnesty meeting tomorrow, and am totally unprepared. thank god for helen. and i NEED to really get on top of my apps, i have my interviews all lined upin a few weeks, but what am i supposed to do if i don't have it straight up why i want to apply? but L&O is coming soon, follow up to the girl who's too beautiful to go to prison, and I need to fix my printer which is doin crazy things so i can print out the enviro article. I am sooo going to sleep tonight with a decent-er amout of sleep, by my standards atleast. peace all.

Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.

you know, i was happy before, and now i'm just fucking pissed because i tryed to post and fucking livejournal just lost the whole thing. stupid fucking messed up piece up crap. AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH.alright. out of my system. now i shall retype to the best of my memory.School is a bitch. Some classes are good, some classes are bad, some classes are worse, some classes i walk around with a book balanced precariously on my head and try to retain my dignity, some classes are frustrating because people can be so STUPID and IGNORANT, and some classes make me proud to be a woman, closeted as i may be. and i miss chris terribly. her not being there totally threw me off, like someone yanked the rag out from under me and now i'm urprisedly blinking at the floor because suddenly it's a lot closer and everything kind of hurts. and everything seems so different now, and i really just wish she were here this year to make everything okay, and makes my fears and upsets seem silly, and to make m laugh, and to bring us all closer and teach us everything important and help us know who we are. and that's melodramatic and all, but i really do wish she were back. anyway. guess what? college is even more of a bitch than high school. because next week i have my first interogation of hell and anxiety from the mother fucker who's coming down to the city so early. can't they wait till, like, november, when atleast we'll have a fair idea of what's going on? the interview notes will read 'dazed and confused,' and it will all be for naught. ah, well. i suppose i'll survive, if a little worse for wear.i really want to post my awesome cool camp pics here, even if half of them were ruined by the rain (ah, the joy of being at the top of a mountain with thunder and lightning and metal rods on your backs...). but it'll be such a task, i'm puttig it off for just now. Who knows, maybe I’ll even go get some homework done now…so much reading to be done…argh

Downloading's a BITCH

So,ended up stayin at home today. i'm...sorta...cleaning my room. it's been a total mess for ages, i can barely walk through it, and i've been attempting to fix this, but i keep finding reasons to stop every two seconds. i just find it so monotonous and stupid a task. but i'll get back to it soon, i swear. i need to be able to find things soon, anyway. i can't find Stern's rec sheet anywhere, so this is a sure sign that my space needs tidying. anyway.i've been downloading all these cool artists i've been meaning to get ahold of all summer. i meant to actually go out and but their cds, but as of yet i have found no fabulous influx of money, so i resort to the free. now, while limewire is great for downloading crap radio pop so i can satisfy my occasional American mainstream culture craving, it fares far worse when i want slightly more obscure artists, especially foreign ones. i'm trying to download lhasa de sela, more specifically all the songs from her album the living road, but little luck so far. bitches.

Back in the city

I've survived four days straight of family. And I've come back rewarded. The joy and flip side of being with my mother is that riday after visiting Vassar I can easily convince her to head pver to Woodbury Commons because I am in need of jeans. BUt she has just as much a weakness as me for fun clothes, so as well as the obligatory Gap bag, I also emerged from the journey bearing the brightly patterned bag of Oilily and hot pink of Betsey Johnson, two of my favorite places EVER. have i mentioned lately that i love outlets and labor day weekend sales? well, i do. they give me things like the perfectly flared jeans from Theory I've been searching for for ages, but otherwise would enver havebeen able to afford. All in all, very successful Friday, even if i was supposedly missing a great party back in the city. As for the rest of the weekend, i kinda like chillin wih my grandparents, so it was a pleasant card playin, movie watchin weekend.And the colleges? I've decided that Bard is the most awesome safety school ever. They have so much great politicla science stuff goin on, plus everyone there seems to have mad artsy/original/hipster fashion sense. How can i go wrong? Vassar was basic run o the mill liberal arts school, really pretty, and really good food, even good vegetarian. plus i spotted two guys i eventually identified as FV counselors (Newer ones I dont really know). So. Acceptable. Shit, I have to start doing those fuckin applications soon. Blegh. Still have three days left...must appreciate and use well last days of freedom. i will NOT clean my room in these final days. i refuse. even if it is starting to disgust even me. fine, maybe a little...atleast enough to move the shit off my bed so i can sleep tonight. hmmmmmmm, sleep. i'm off.