because harry potter keeps me alive (sad).

Tomorrow. Is. GOBLET OF FIRE!!!!I'll be gaunty as hell with a snitch round my neck and the swagger of a girl who knows what shes talking about word for word, which inevitably means that all will be a dissapointment despite however much the new york times thought it was awesome (!!!), because all the good reviews in the world can't match the expectations of a rowdy obsessed fan base - we will never be quite as happy with what we see on a screen as what goes on in the head. just becaise i 'like it' doesn't mean it fulfills my dreams, since who can match the imagination? but i get hyped anyway cuz it's fun, screw being a complete dork. even if i am stuck with seats in the thearter of tourists (times square, bitches) atleast i'm there despite the late date of acquisition. and THAT friends is why i can fool myself into believeing that i can successfully pull off last minute. boo yah. oh my titans...just realized suny needs to be finished. two seconds, tops. its crap anyway, i dont want it. but hey, anything to get them off my back.you made me a shadowboxer baby, i wanna be ready for what you do...story of my life.DAMN how do you print this shit without 'my copy' scrolled across it? idiots. swing makes me happy. i'm out.

How Iowa relates to my essay, and the repurcussions thereof on college apps.

so,
my wonka costume obviously rocked out, and if my computer actually
moved at any acceptable speeds, you would see it here. but alas. i was
mad excited today, recoreded my harp for colleges, but it was crazy
cool to hear myself out of speakers. kind of worn off. life sycks.
wrote a speil about i before when i was supposed to be writing my
college essay. maybe i'll put some here. depends how pathetic i feel
like sounding today. so generally, that would be a no, not putting it
here just kidding answer. but writing that essay was fucking hard,
mostly because like an idiot i thought writing about camp would be
easy, since obvioualy if it is a generally known rule that you can
never explain it to anyone, it would be pie to explain it in 500 words
or less to an admissions office (current standing 629, but far better
than 903). and sometimes i think may be i'm trying to do too much cuz
things are suffering that shouldn't, like amnesty, and no surprise my
sleep and me a bit as well. but i guess its sorta worth it. who am i
kidding, i'm just happy cuz iowa is on and i'm reminiscing...there are
pluses to writing an essay about something that you love. a lot. damn,
why can't we just be at fv ALL the time? and weren't we supposed to get
apps in october? argh.
too much cheap cheeriness. i'm probably just better
off reveling in the suckiness. or ateaslt acknowledging it. shit, eco
test soon...a love struck romeo singin streets of serendade layin
everybody low with a love song that he made...said something like, you
and me babe, how about it? sometimes, no all the times, i hate feeling
alone. i hate having to take care of everyone else, and be happy and
okay so that they can feel better, and never letting myself be weak,
or.....i wrote this rant already. it's time for me to sign off before i
leave nothing sacred, as they say. not about to change my ways now.

and so we begin anew

wow! switching browsers really does
let me use rich text mode! imagine that. but what do the bastards have
against netscape? oh well. i present to you he who i aspire to be

:
for halloween anyway. i've got most of it figured it out, but where to
get purple latex/plastic gloves? it's too late in the game for ebay...i
suppose i shall deal.
so, as we can all see, a good dose of intensele long and for a good
half of it completely unproductive bout of gymnastics practice really
hits the spot sometimes. as does less migraine action as well i
suppose. i mean, i'm ven in a good mood and okay with doing (gasp) my
homework. maybe, but this is just maybe kids, i'll start my paper do
next week. or maybe the other one. or maybe the college essay. or
maybe...oh bother, like it's really gonna happen. but GUESS WHAT. my
economics teacher told me i'd make a good lawyer today )aftera
presentation). imagine that. and THEN after all the fun of some real
felines fun, i saw, you'll never guess it, CHRIS. god knows what she
was doing there, but it was awesome, and totally made my day, my week,
whatever. and she's coming to (officially) see us next week! the good
news can just keep on comin. well, i know it won't, but wouldn't that
be nice?enough of me. now that i've figured out how this damnable
contraption works, up go some (fv) photos! okay just kiddinf, thses
things take forever to load for some indeipherable reason, and my time
is low. another day.

everything's too bright

i feel like shit. migraines suck, and yet i et them far too often. just looking at my computer screen manke me wince. and the banging is relentless, and i'm completely grossly naeceous. it even makes me unable to spell. and im so fucking exhausted and just want to keel over and collapse for a few days, but i just have so much fucking shit to do, it almost makes me want to say fuck as often as american history x wants to, except i'll whisper it to myself quietly in the corner so as not to disturb my delicate head, and they will scream it as loud as possible at eachother. i want to cry. and then puke. and finally sleep and sleep and sleep. why is it like this? how did it get so thick so fast? why does my body hate me? why do i always have to fucking plan fucking EVERYTHING so that i feel giuilty every moment i leave conditioning, but i have to pull together an amnesty meeting in two seconds, and then babysit yelling kids for four hours while my migraine begins to build and then sit on the fucking Q for half my life and practice far too little so that then i feel guilty and pathetic too and im barely even doing any of the work for applying to college and it eats at me everyday but i always deal with other peoples problems cuz im too fucking fucked up to really say anything my self. i bitch because its normal, but fuck if i let anyone see me cry or break down or loose control, especially me. im the worst at witnessing my own inadequecy. sometimes i think im asking too much of myself - but god know i have nothing if not my own high fucking standards. and i cant help it but not be able to measure up to my dream self but cant help bu want to be that person, and my procrastination is a drug and i feel sick afterwards when i get nothing done because look how it kills me now. i feel too much like crap to even move beyond typing. i wish athena would just bust outta my skull already so that the hammering could go away. oh, to curl up under the comforter and pretend it will all go away if i could just drift into blissful sleep. but onwards (and upwards, i suppose) to better things, and economics and then maybe even some canterbury.

Writing on envelopes

i've taken to writing random things down on random surfaces. like envelopes. and the back left over from my post-its (or just postits, which then get stuch anywhere), or the starbucks hot coffee holder thingee. or the new york times. i mean, i think it would seriously kill me too just actually carry around some paper. but i'm vaguely proud of myself - on account of my horrible track record of actually writing in my journal, i've started just pasting in random things that interest me instead, plus the objects i've written all over. i'd like to quote on of my favorties here: "i'll make sure she always carries a pen so she can take down evidence. If she has no paper, I'll teach her to write everything down on her tongue, write it on her thighs" and another, one i'd like to follow some day: "I'll teach her to write her manifestos on cocktail napkins." the journal thing still doesn't look that great, but hey, i'm no artist. i leave that to the pros. i just pretend i'm creative and sit in the corner with my scissors and glue and scraps of my life, and scribble with markers and say 'voila!' here is what matters, what i think in the moment, what makes me stop for just a moment and think or reconsider or feel thta boiling anger that starts in your stomach and rises in your throat until you're ready to vomit bile because this is not how it should be. and have i mentioned that november 15th is somehow far to close for comfort? no, that is not panic. i'll fix it. it always turns out okay. i DID make the right decision, now i just need to believe it. to end on a cheery note: i'm letting my hermione loose tonight, it's time for some hard core studying, which believe it or not actually fells good, like eating vegetables after a diet of tinkies, which maybe not everyone would understand anyway, but chemical food makes me feel gross, as appetizing as it seems at the time and that's procrastination too: seems good and fun, but after gorging myself on useless junk o good paper seems like heaven, as hard as it is to drag myself into doing it. whatever, lifes crazy. i don't pretend to understand. on to the latest paper(s)!!!

because the procrastination never stops.

seriously, it never ends - how i ever get anything done is highly questionable. but it's all mad reclusive, feel like i havent seen my friends in ages, possibly because i havent, which means gymnastics is officially setting in. but there is so much to be done, and scholarships that need to be written ,and colleges that need applying because my indecisiveness atleast has been beaten down and i'm on a straight path for the moment, pray it's not a dead end. and plucking my little strings brings such pleasure, but time is scarce, and i feel like i always say that, but it's my own fault. because it is. atleast my three hours of the iliad were snuck in somewhere. jesus, there's too much to be done, i gotta end this right now. DIE, PRIAM, DIE! okay, it's definately bad when i start naming my bad habits. but still, DIE.

Because all is not lost.

Because America's Next Top Model is for strong women, bitches! Kim, Nik, my emerging favorites. and previews: Kim and Sarah's relationship heats up. Yum. That and the photo shoots are freakin AMAZING. And a girl is beatiful no matter how she looks, she just has to be confident and look - say it with me now! - FIERCE. There's been so much going on lately (yes, outside of that little box too). My thighs are leaden blocks that are somehow set aflame, but i can now do an effortless aerial, so it must all be worth it. Babysitting is canceled because the children are sick, so consequently my income is down, and that's called supply and demand. But ncome next week or tomorrow I will be called uopn again at whatever you can give me, thank you, and that's called elasticity. see? who needs to read the textbook when you can half pay attention in class just drawing faceless figures and spacing out, and STILL understand it all? God, micro is so irritating, if only because my ADD keeps me from focusing when it's so simple. And have i mentioned that grey's anatomy is my new lover on the screen? it is. forget jordans crossing, this is far superior. AND it rocks out the girl power. now i just have to panic because i have to do the amnesty meeting tomorrow, and am totally unprepared. thank god for helen. and i NEED to really get on top of my apps, i have my interviews all lined upin a few weeks, but what am i supposed to do if i don't have it straight up why i want to apply? but L&O is coming soon, follow up to the girl who's too beautiful to go to prison, and I need to fix my printer which is doin crazy things so i can print out the enviro article. I am sooo going to sleep tonight with a decent-er amout of sleep, by my standards atleast. peace all.